Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Surprise Keynote Speaker To Appear At The Republican Convention

Dateline - Tampa

With former President George W. Bush opting out of the Republican National Convention this August, Republican leaders have been scrambling for a keynote speaker that will ignite the conservative base behind Willard "Mitt" Romney's troubled campaign.

Dark Lord of the Right, Emperor Dick Cheney also opted out, citing reasons that included "avoiding sunlight" and "vacationing in (his) personal sarcophagus, listening to his favorite album, 'The Wails And Screams Of The Eternally Damned.'"

"I especially like track 6:  'They're All Gonna Laugh At You!'"

Party insiders have found a solution that will be the boost that the Romney campaign needs, and the momentum will reportedly carry Romney all the way through the November general election.  In a move that surprised many outsiders, Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus reached out to former Vice-Presidential candidate and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for assistance.

"You betcha by golly heck.  My gosh-darned moose-killin', wolf-shootin' pit-bull soccer mom speech is already prepared, and once I finish writing the notes on my hands, I'll...", Sarah Palin stated.

"Now, how many o's are in 'Muslim'?"

Preibus interrupted Palin by assuring her (and the rest of the GOP) that he didn't want Sarah to speak at the Convention.  

"Remember that witch hunter/exorcist that prayed over you when you became governor?  Well, we need you to get in touch with him, so that HE can... well, get in touch with the witches he cast out.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we need to call in a few dark favors.  We figured out that there is only one personality that can galvanize the Right behind Mitt.  And for that, we need to do the unthinkable."

By mid-August, the GOP faithful hope to have all of the tools necessary for their task, which include acquiring some blood from one of the many folds in Rush Limbaugh's back fat and strands of Michele Bachmann's hair.  With all of these pieces in place, the GOP plan on conducting a prime-time seance to have the ghost of Ronald Reagan provide stirring remarks to the GOP faithful.

"Well, I do not recall having my spirit be invited to speak..."

If this is unsuccessful, Preibus has a Plan B in store, which is to have Herman Cain and former GOP Chairman Michael Steel perform a heart-warming rendition of some famous "Amos & Andy" routines.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Mittens, Barack, And The NAACP... Some Takeaways

"For the life of me, I don't know why these lazy freeloading cursed people don't like me.  Maybe it's my hair."

As we all know, Republican Presidential candidate Sir Willardham Mittenschweiger Von Romneyton XIII (known as Mitt to his friends and his former employees) visited the NAACP during their national conference.  And in typical patronizing Republican fashion, Mitt talked down to his audience.  One of his "highlights" was when he expressed his desire to repeal "Obamacare."  The response was swift and terrible.  Unfettered by the chorus of boos that were longer than the worst act at Showtime At The Apollo, Romney continued with his speech.  He expressed his desire to "strengthen traditional families" and things like that. Throughout the speech, though, Romney got a mild amount of applause.  He didn't get booed again until he unilaterally decided that he was the best candidate for Black America.  He never elaborated on why or how.  The response for that was equally vicious.

 "Mittens is on some ol' bullshucks..."
"I know, right?  He must have us twisted if he thinks we're falling for his okee-doke..."

Suffice it to say, Mittens' appearance at the NAACP did not go as planned.

Or did it?

I believe that his speech went exactly as planned, and that his entire appearance was a sort of win/win for the Romney campaign.

For starters, Romney is the only Republican Presidential candidate in modern history to speak at the NAACP convention.  So, by virtue of him showing up, he already gets showered with accolades of being "brave" and open-minded, and doing something that even G-Dub hasn't done.

Never speaking at an NAACP meeting?  Mission Accomplished, suckers!

So, he gets a little credit for going into "hostile territory" and delivering a keynote speech.  In an era of low expectations, Romney gets awarded a certificate of achievement for just showing up.

Romney stated that the purpose of his speech was to reach out to the independents, and Black voters who have not made up their minds about who to vote for.  But when you look at the content, the real purpose of his speech was a little more insidious in nature.

Romney's speech wasn't directed towards any independents.  It was a dog-and-pony show to shore up his conservative bona fides.  The GOP has not exactly been circling the wagons around Mitt, and the GOP endorsements have been less than stellar.  The endorsements, along with the Super Pac vows to flood the market with anti-Obama campaigns, focus more on "ANYONE BUT OBAMA" than Romney being the best man to lead this nation.  By going into the "belly of the beast", Mitt was looking to assure his base that he's just as conservative and just as narrow-minded as them.  The fact that the NAACP audience booed him gives Mitt sympathy points.  The reaction was "Those ungrateful Negroes don't know what's good for them. A decent White man comes up and talks to them about what they need, and they BOO him!"

The de facto leader of the GOP, and resident slovenly blowhard degenerate hillbilly-heroin consumer, Rush Limbaugh, even sided with Mitt and said that Mitt was talking over the heads of his audience, and that's why they booed him.  Not-so-suddenly, the NAACP is seen as a divisive, racist organization bent on taking free stuff from good white folk.  I won't even entertain the other, more ridiculous comments that the degenerate bigoted bully made regarding this issue.

And how did Mitt respond to the boos?  He immediately responded by saying that the people who booed were just booing because they wanted free stuff.  Of course they were, Mittens.  In an audience that contained Black professionals in probably every arena, the boo-ers were just freeloading bums who want someone to hand out gubmint freebies.  Because that's what the NAACP has been about since its existence, demanding free stuff from hard-working white folks.

Now, does that sound like the reaction of someone trying to reach out to the independents?  Of course not.  It sounds like the same patronizing garbage that we can expect from the Republican Party.  Remember when Newt Gingrich addressed the NAACP?  He basically told all of the attendees that they need to get off the welfare.  We all know that statistically speaking, Black people do NOT make up the majority of people receiving public assistance.  Gingrich made comments that he would never make to a conservative group, telling them to get off public aid and get a job.  But facts have never gotten in the way of a good racist, hateful screed.  And Romney's speech was no different.  And in the eyes of conservatives, Mittens scored.

But What About The President?

Conversely, President Obama is facing criticism in some circles for not attending, by appearing via video screen, and by sending in a surrogate, as in the Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden.  While Romney's case was a win/win, Obama's decisions could be viewed as a lose/lose.

Had Obama attended, and had he delivered a passionate, fiery speech about what's at stake both in November and beyond, it would not have been interpreted as Obama speaking to the independents.  It would have been viewed as the Black President speaking to a Black organization about the Black takeover of the United States.

I'm only exaggerating slightly.

Instead, President Obama seemed to play it extremely safe, and delivered a tepid speech via video.  The reaction to that speech wasn't exactly robust.

"A video?  That's it?"
"I coulda caught this whole thing on YouTube."



Needless to say, you won't hear the Tea Potty, the GOP, and everyone else talk about this tepid response, but they are trying to create tension by insinuating that Obama is taking the Black vote for granted.  VP Biden DID give a fiery speech, and the only time that he was booed was when he announced that his time was up.  


I don't believe that Obama is taking the Black vote for granted, but I think that he's being far TOO careful about not being seen as "The Black Candidate" or "The President of Black America."  As strategies go, this one was a misstep, because EVERY vote counts.  And the President should know by now that critics are going to condemn him no matter which way he goes.  He could say "gesundheit" when someone sneezes, and a Tea Potty idiot will accuse him of being an atheist Muslim socialist commie terrorist for not explicitly saying "God bless you."


The President should have thrown caution to the wind and addressed the NAACP in person, giving the same kind of passion and fire that made him such a transformative figure that took the Democratic Party by storm in the 2008 campaign.  The opposition is playing for keeps, and Obama should, too.  While his ads are a lot more aggressive, hitting Mitt hard with the outsourcing issue, Obama should leave nothing to chance.  And if it takes a Black President to give a passionate speech to a Black Civil Rights organization to rally up the troops, then so be it.  After all, by playing it safe, what's the worst that can happen?

"I, Sir Willardhampton Mittropublican St. Romneysworth XII, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the President of the United States..."

And God help us ALL if that happens.