With former President George W. Bush opting out of the Republican National Convention this August, Republican leaders have been scrambling for a keynote speaker that will ignite the conservative base behind Willard "Mitt" Romney's troubled campaign.
Dark Lord of the Right, Emperor Dick Cheney also opted out, citing reasons that included "avoiding sunlight" and "vacationing in (his) personal sarcophagus, listening to his favorite album, 'The Wails And Screams Of The Eternally Damned.'"
"I especially like track 6: 'They're All Gonna Laugh At You!'"
Party insiders have found a solution that will be the boost that the Romney campaign needs, and the momentum will reportedly carry Romney all the way through the November general election. In a move that surprised many outsiders, Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus reached out to former Vice-Presidential candidate and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for assistance.
"You betcha by golly heck. My gosh-darned moose-killin', wolf-shootin' pit-bull soccer mom speech is already prepared, and once I finish writing the notes on my hands, I'll...", Sarah Palin stated.
"Now, how many o's are in 'Muslim'?"
Preibus interrupted Palin by assuring her (and the rest of the GOP) that he didn't want Sarah to speak at the Convention.
"Remember that witch hunter/exorcist that prayed over you when you became governor? Well, we need you to get in touch with him, so that HE can... well, get in touch with the witches he cast out. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we need to call in a few dark favors. We figured out that there is only one personality that can galvanize the Right behind Mitt. And for that, we need to do the unthinkable."
By mid-August, the GOP faithful hope to have all of the tools necessary for their task, which include acquiring some blood from one of the many folds in Rush Limbaugh's back fat and strands of Michele Bachmann's hair. With all of these pieces in place, the GOP plan on conducting a prime-time seance to have the ghost of Ronald Reagan provide stirring remarks to the GOP faithful.
"Well, I do not recall having my spirit be invited to speak..."
If this is unsuccessful, Preibus has a Plan B in store, which is to have Herman Cain and former GOP Chairman Michael Steel perform a heart-warming rendition of some famous "Amos & Andy" routines.
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